Happy 1st Year Anniversary to myself and The Boyfriend, I guess. I hand-made him a card earlier this week and ordered something for a gift (it arrives tomorrow, unfortunately). We’d previously discussed doing something yesterday to celebrate our anniversary, given that TODAY (our actual anniversary) he would be at work ALL day (5:30a to 6:30p). However, we spent most of yesterday playing Valheim. We picked up groceries, he cooked dinner, and we ate and watched a couple episodes of “Unsolved.” None of this was “celebratory” in nature, just another typical day for us. So, despite my attempt to have a positive outlook on things at the end of my entry from yesterday morning, my mood slowly went down throughout the day until things tanked HARD at the end, during our daily check-in and the task we had to complete for our daily Paired thing (it’s a relationship building app). Much great. So fun. 🙄

So, the only thing I had to discuss for check-in was that we had discussed that we’d do something that day to celebrate our anniversary and well… we didn’t. He told me he didn’t think that we’d actually agreed to that… or that maybe he had forgotten we had. He also said that he figured we’d do something NEXT weekend (though he did not previously mention this to me). So I said, “So I made you a card and got you a gift, and I get nothing,” (yeah, that was a bit petty of me, but the fact is that it’s true). All he said was, “Yep.” And that was that. We sat in silence for quite a while, until I mentioned the Paired task (which he had apparently NOT read as well as he said he did). He begrudgingly agreed to do it and got paper/pen.

The task was to write our “mental load” lists for Physical, Mental, and Emotional. Basically, the things that weigh the heaviest on our minds about each of these categories. Then, we take turns reading a list and the partner divulging something new they learned from hearing it. The Physical and Mental ones went fairly easily (I’m disabled, so I don’t have much in the way of physical shit to do).

The Emotional lists, though? He had 2 items, both of which were focused on his own emotional tasks that weigh on him. Mine… had probably 8 items, all of which were ways that I carry the relational emotional burden of the entire relationship. I give patience, support, love, share my emotions and thoughts… I think about and consider him every single day, with ways that I can help him be happy and satisfied (though I mentioned that I do this in the only way I know how because he hasn’t divulged how HE feels loved, so I’m basically winging it blind). And the last item on my list was “Needing (all)” – meaning that I NEED all of the previously mentioned things and he does not give them, not in the ways that make me feel loved.

He had to take a break at this point (because he was feeling defensive), which is a thing we’re working on because his M.O. is to either get super defensive (and thus says mean shit) or completely shut down and stonewall me. We talked about this at the previous day’s check-in, attempting to come up with a “game plan” on what to do when this happens. Part of my suggestion was to “do some movement” (get up and stretch or whatever), and then speak on the fact that he needs a break. So… he was able to do that this time and I’m pretty proud of him for that. It still sucks for me, but I recognize that he needs it and it’s ok. As long as he comes back to continue, I’m good.

He did eventually come back and say he was in a better place, but then we sat together in silence for quite some time, while he stared hard at my “emotional” list. We did finally start to discuss how the list had made him feel (like I was saying he was inadequate, selfish, and unsupportive). So I asked if he would rather I lie and make myself smaller so that he could feel more comfortable. He shook his head a little. I told him that sometimes it can be really difficult to hear the truth.

I approached it with a different tactic (this is not manipulative, either, but designed to make him think about how he feels and why) and asked if he’s able to do any of the things on the list. He said he thought he could manage some of it. I asked if he felt he was good at any of them. He said no. So this is where the meat and taters is. I told him (not all exact words), “The inadequacy you feel is accurate, because you agree that you aren’t good at these things. You don’t have the tools or knowledge necessary, you haven’t learned how. So instead of feeling like a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve anything good in life, take that feeling of inadequacy and use it to motivate you to do the thing you aren’t good at. You already said you WANT to be able to do them, so pick one and tell yourself that you’ll do everything in your power to learn how, because you love me and want me to be happy.”

He admitted then that what he thought earlier when he got defensive was – and this HAS come up numerous times in the past – “Then why the hell are you still here?!” I admit… I really fucking hate that question because I have confidence that I’ve stayed for reasons that should be obvious as fuck by now, not just because I’ve TOLD him why (so many times), but I’ve SHOWN him why. I had a bit of anger and frustration flare up inside me in that moment because I’m so tired of him asking me that. But, I deeply understand why he feels that way. I divulged that understanding and revealed that I’d felt like a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve anything good in my life as recently as this past Thursday/Friday (and assumed he knew I was talking about the boundary task he waited until the last minute to do). Then I listed of many of the times I’ve felt that way: February – discovering his addiction, Xmas, the entirety of October until he agree to couples counseling, almost a year ago just before he came into my life. He asked for clarification on why I was mentioning these things (I reiterated the feeling like shit/worthless stuff).

And then… I told him I’m still here because I LOVE HIM and started listing reasons why. He’s kind-hearted, generous, patient with me, has the capability of listening to harsh truths and doing introspective work, he makes me laugh every single day and I enjoy the time we spend together, plus he’s made SO MUCH personal progress in the last few months… and I switched gears and tried to lighten the mood with some silly – but still truthful – things. I was in that mode when he stood up, grabbed his shoes, gave me an awkward hug around the neck, and walked away. I asked what he was doing, he said he was putting his shoes downstairs. Then he proceeded to do work prep things and get on his PC to play Valheim. When the dryer went off (because I’d put his clean clothes in there), I let him know. He thanked me and said he’d be down to get that. I curled up on the couch. He ignored me when he came down and when he went back upstairs with his laundry.

So yeah… I had to wait for him to go to bed so I could do the cat swap shit (long story for another time), so I decided I’d just go upstairs and get on Valheim myself. I honestly would have much rather just gone straight to bed and let him deal with the cat swap, but I needed to play and let my extreme depression get to a point where I could go to bed and not cry myself to sleep. He did come back after dealing with laundry and get on to play some more. And we eventually signed off and prepared for bed (we sleep separately on his work nights). He stopped me and grabbed me into a long hug, almost to the point that I started to cry, but… I broke that off and went into the office to grab the card I’d made him, handed it to him, and told him to put it in his work backpack to open tomorrow. He thanked me, but I could see the guilt/shame in his eyes and feel it like a ton of bricks to the gut.

Sorry. I know this is a lot, but… if you’ve made it this far, thank you. The rest is going to be another Google AI Overview, because at one point during the talking with The Boyfriend, I mentioned a thing that’s been floating around, which is the title of this entry, so here you go:

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The phrase “If you wanted to, you would” is often used to express that someone is not truly interested in a relationship or action because they haven’t taken the initiative or made an effort. It implies that someone who is genuinely invested would make the necessary time and effort to make something happen. 

Elaboration:

• In Relationships:The phrase is commonly used in romantic contexts, where it suggests that if someone truly cared or wanted to be with someone, they would put in the effort to communicate, spend time together, or resolve issues. 
• In Other Situations:It can also be used in other situations where someone is not taking action, such as work or friendships, implying that if they truly wanted something, they would take the necessary steps. 
• Implied Meaning:The phrase suggests that the person is not truly committed or that their desire is not strong enough to overcome obstacles or challenges. 
• Alternative Perspectives:Some argue that there can be other reasons why someone might not take action, such as fear, shyness, or mental health issues, but the general meaning of the phrase is about a lack of genuine desire or commitment. 
• Reddit threads discuss how the phrase is often used to describe situations where someone is not making an effort to communicate or make time for a relationship, suggesting that if they wanted to, they would.

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I do hope (ugh, that word again) that mentioning this to him had the impact that inspires him to realize that he HAS been unsupportive and selfish, and that he will start contributing in ways that make me feel loved, appreciated, and valued. I also NEVER want to hurt him with the truth, but I stand firm that a truly loving person doesn’t lie and/or hide the truth from their loved ones to save them the pain. Honesty and openness are integral parts of developing real and lasting connections with others, no matter what type of relationship it is. As a recovering people-pleaser… it’s SO hard to do this and I have been practicing this for YEARS. It does get a tiny bit easier with time and practice, but… hurting someone with the truth sucks major whale anus – every single time. The only solace I have in it is that I have evidence that it works. I have people in my life that have shown me that they respect and value me BECAUSE I haven’t blown smoke up their asses or catered to their shit words/behaviors. I’ve also lost many people because of it, but that’s on them and their inability to handle harsh truths or do any sort of self-reflection.

In closing… The Boyfriend hasn’t messaged me at all yet and I’m sad about that. Part of our discussion last night was how his job/work is the major “mental load” for him both physically and mentally, mentioning that thinking/talking about “relationship and emotional stuff” during work is distracting and taxing on him. I asked if he could let me know how I could help with that and he said he didn’t know (yet another phrase that ticks me off, because not a single effort of thought was had). So I suggested that – on work days – if he chooses to message me and have general conversations about whatever – or not – I’d be fine with that. And, for my part, I would do my best to never bring up emotional or relationship stuff. I mean, we DO have daily check-ins after he gets home from work, so… 🤷‍♀️

And on that note… I’m going to go spend most of this [shitty anniversary] day alone, distracting myself in every way possible so I can avoid feeling like I’m a worthless piece of shit that doesn’t deserve anything good in my life…