I feel like this one will be a decent extension (expansion?) of my previous post – “It’s the Little Things“… we shall see.

Today, we venture into the world of “Bids for Connection” – which, if I’m not mistaken, was created by Dr. John and Julie Gottman (and for the record, Dr. John looks a LOT like my martial arts Sensei from way back when).

Of course, if you want to, I highly recommend visiting the links I provided and learning about all this straight from the source. I plan to just give a general rundown of my own understanding and add in some “bread crumb” elements.

So, basically, Bids for Connection are the “Little Things” (heh) we do in “… an attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.” Here’s the example table they give on the website, for context and simplicity:

Now, here are a few examples of my own Bids with The Boyfriend, some are very direct, but some have that subtle context that comes with wanting him to show interest or volunteer to participate:

• “Can you grab my water can before you come downstairs, please?”
• “I love you.”
• Him instigating our Daily Check-Ins
• “Look what I painted/drew!”
• “Did you read my blog from today yet?”
• “I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at xx time…”
• “How are you?”
• Any compliment I give
• Any physical touch
• “I’m so tired…”
• “Look what I did in Valheim!”
• Videos, GIFs, memes…

And the darker side (no cookies to be found) of this is a thing called “Breadcrumbing” – which refers to “…the practice of giving someone small, intermittent signs of interest or attention, often through communication, without any real intention of developing a deeper or committed relationship. It’s a way of leading someone on and keeping them “hooked” without actually investing in the relationship.” (Google)

Here’s a more detailed explanation:

What it is:

• Breadcrumbing involves sporadic messages, social media interactions, or brief phone calls that create the illusion of interest. 
• These “breadcrumbs” are meant to keep someone engaged and hopeful, even though the person doing the breadcrumbing has no intention of following through with a serious relationship. 
• It can be seen as a manipulative tactic to keep someone in the “option” pool, without making them a choice. 

Why it happens:

• Some people may engage in breadcrumbing for attention, validation, or to boost their ego without the commitment of a full relationship.
• Others may be struggling with intimacy, insecurity, or have difficulty forming healthy attachments.
• It can also be a way to avoid facing the discomfort of ending a relationship or committing to something serious. 

Signs of breadcrumbing:

• Inconsistent communication: You may receive sporadic messages, followed by long periods of silence or disengagement. 
• Flirting without follow-through: They might flirt with you, but never make a move to take things further. 
• Surface-level interactions: Conversations lack depth, vulnerability, or details about their life. 
• Change of heart when you try to be serious: They may become defensive, upset, or change the subject when you try to have a more serious conversation. 
• More interest when you show disinterest: They may become more attentive when you start pulling away or showing disinterest.

On a basic level, this seems to be a thing that happens early on in relationship formation (or lack thereof). But I’m going to hone in on a the “Why” section, because I’ve experienced the Hell out of Breadcrumbing in the past, especially with Gravity and The Dementor (my ex-husband/The Son’s father and my last ex). Those are, of course, far in the past (and good riddance), but… unfortunately, it seems to be permeating my current relationship with The Boyfriend, as well.

First, I want to point out that – despite the many months of neglect and rejection – things ARE going better and The Boyfriend is making progress with many things. Specifically, going to couple’s counseling with me, participating in group stuff with his addiction, our Daily Check-ins, and starting individual therapy (intake happened yesterday). It isn’t perfect and there’s still a lot of work we BOTH have to do, but I really am proud of the efforts he’s making in all that.

However, one of the major things I’ve been dealing with, MY main “mental load” issue, is how much I’ve invested and given of myself, my time and effort, patience, etc… all the things I feel are integral in making a relationship have really good quality and provide happiness for my partner? I don’t get much of that in return. It’s actually a pretty sore subject that’s come up numerous times, even very recently (with this entry), and caused a lot of strife between us. It’s gotten to the point where, when I make any Big for Connection and The Boyfriend responds with jokes or “funny” sarcasm (and he does so almost every time) – it hits me in the gut and, even if I laugh or pretend-scoff – it hurts. A few days ago we were in bed together and I’d done a Bid (don’t remember now what it was), his response wasn’t serious, and I got completely overwhelmed with exhausted frustration to the point that I had to choke tears back and tell him I didn’t want to discuss what was wrong… because it would ruin the mood.

I also think this Emotional Overwhelm comes on the heels of the Apathy from last week. Residual effects, if you will. It really is exhausting giving everything I am to the man I love and getting breadcrumbs (if that) and jokes in return. I get so tired of reminding him to do simple things like tell me he loves me. He’s told me he gets annoyed with me when I “fish for compliments” – but like… I wouldn’t have to fish for them if they were given freely, yeah?

Bleh. It’s starting to make me upset again and I’d really like to NOT. The weather is nice and Valheim is calling me, so… away I go!