One song that I used to love, for no other reason than how beautiful it was, is “You Lost Me” – by Christina Aguilera. It’s 15 years old now and I still love it. The problem is that now it’s hauntingly beautiful and – unfortunately – relatable (in a way).

It’s another “need to listen to music” day… and Sam Smith’s “I’m Not the Only One” is playing while I write.

So… today? *cracking knuckles* I’m going to do a thing I haven’t done in ages… write poetry!

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I’d given up on love forever
Setting myself apart
Blasé, jaded, it was whatever
But then you waltzed into my heart

Laughter began to fill my days
Calls and texts and online games
You lit the sparks in many ways
And fanned the growing flames

It was hard and fast
How much I fell for you
It left me aghast
Could any of this be true?!

Like a knight in shining armor
You drove out to retrieve me
So sweet and such a charmer
A new life you gave to set me free

Not even two months later
You dropped me like a rock
My heart felt like a traitor
I was dying from the shock

The distance was like a chasm
This canyon that you’d cleaved
My heart broke into spasms
My breathing became seized

Every month felt like a year
Agony for what I didn’t know
Abandonment was the ultimate fear
Rejected, ignored, the death was slow

Discovering the betrayal
My whole system went into shock
All of it lies, a fake portrayal
I could only sit and gawk

With shaky hands and broken heart
I gathered all the evidence
My world had shattered, fallen apart
The answer for your negligence

Chaos with this compulsive obsession
Anger, frustration, and agonizing pain
Mired deep in my worsening depression
I nearly broke under the strain

The confrontation two weeks later
I could barely contain my emotions
A hole in my heart the size of a crater
Defaulting to going through the motions

Since who I was got shattered and strewn
It’s been six months and a day
With thousands of cuts my heart’s been hewn
But I keep choosing to stay

I will keep believing in your potential
How much you’ve grown and learned
My patience and compassion are essential
So please… don’t leave me spurned?

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Random song that came up on YouTube…

One of the most difficult aspects of Betrayal Trauma is that, despite how much The Boyfriend has grown and learned, made progress and healed (and the process is slow and continuous)… it will take me much longer to get to anywhere close to similar. I’ve been through a lifetime of trauma and I’m still trying to heal from all of that. This new trauma? Fuck me, it hurts so much. It’s exacerbated all the other traumas and triggers, bringing ones back that I’d thought I’d worked through, adding new ones I never thought I’d endure… it’s changed me in ways that I am NOT proud of and wish I didn’t have to experience or overcome. Even now, months after the Discovery and Confrontation Days, couple’s therapy, an entire FB support group and weekly video groups, I’m still suffering. Just when I think I’m doing decently, something hits me like a ton of bricks (yay, landmines!) and I fall back into the giant hole of despair, questioning how I can keep going.

And just like today… some days are that much harder to survive. A small “not really” in response to a question I asked The Boyfriend garners mountains of resentment, knowing he had plenty of time to kiss me goodbye before leaving for work… I mean, I was awake, in my bed, listening.

I hate that something most people (especially The Boyfriend) would consider mundane (or no big deal) can trigger such big emotions in me. I hate who this trauma has turned me into. I hate that the hope (feckin shite) I had in the beginning was so utterly obliterated. I hate that the months preceding the trauma were filled with outright rejection, neglect, self-loathing, growing resentment, and the massive sense that I’d made a huge mistake (AGAIN!!!) – priming me for a complete shattering of my new life and an entire reformation of my sense of self. I hate that I have to be the one to pick up the pieces without the support I truly need – from The Boyfriend – because he can barely support his own healing (hence having me here to support and lift him up). I hate that I am the one carrying the emotional burden of this entire relationship, despite being the victim in this tragic and traumatizing Betrayal.

And yet… despite all that… I love him, who he truly is beneath all his suffering, trauma, and this fucking addiction. I believe in who he can grow to be. I hope (ugh) that some day in the future, all of this shit I’m enduring will be worth the effort, worth the expended energy and patience. Worth these gruelingly lonely days and easily triggered states.

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And on that note… I shall leave you with a couple of “educational” videos…

Betrayal Trauma and cPTSD Symptoms

And yet another new-to-me song: (omfg, it’s country?!)