A favorite thing of mine to say is, “I’m a whore for __________.” I think it lets the receiver know that I’m pretty obsessed with whatever that thing is. It was especially entertaining when I used it on My German for the first time. Language barriers are fun sometimes, even though he speaks English really well (he doesn’t give himself enough credit, honestly).

So yeah. Here we are. I am an absolute whore for all things Psychology. And I use that term as a broad reference to basically anything that has to do with how the brain works, why people do the things they do, how trauma changes the brain, plasticity… and all the other branches that could conceivably fit somewhere under that umbrella (sociology, anyone?!).

After not sleeping very well and lying awake for who-knows-how-long (The Boyfriend left his phone open on Reels…), I finally forced myself out of bed. I think it was about 5am? Anyway, played with the Turds (my 3 cats) for a bit and then started the Cat Swap routine. I sat on the couch at some point, in a bit of a daze, debating whether I wanted to go back to sleep or not. Some random firing in my brain caused me to Google: “Why do people get defensive?” Aaaaand… yep. The ADHD Whore for Psychology was piqued. Made coffeh and proceeded to do The Bloggening!

“People become defensive for a variety of reasons, often rooted in fear, insecurity, or a desire to protect themselves. Defensiveness can be a learned behavior, a reaction to criticism or perceived threats, or a way to avoid uncomfortable feelings like guilt or shame. It can also be a manifestation of deeper issues like low self-esteem or past trauma.” So sayeth the Google

Awwweee yeeeeah… *cracks knuckles*

First: “Perceived” threats. I find that a LOT of people (myself included) make big assumptions, automatically and subconsciously (rooted in fear, past trauma, experience, etc.), in conversation with others, and end up getting defensive about something that may not be true. Thing is… perception is literally everything (imho). How we perceive the world outside ourselves (and even our inner world) are tantamount to how we respond and/or react.

The first time I heard that quote and I pondered the meaning, my brain exploded. I’ve spent many years with that quote in my head, breaking it out here and there to try and justify things that have happened in my life. Today? I would go as far as saying that 90% is how we perceive (and then react) to what happens to us. Because – again – perception is everything.

Now. Lets observe the last half (ish) of that Google result about defensiveness: “…a way to avoid uncomfortable feelings like guilt or shame. It can also be a manifestation of deeper issues like low self-esteem or past trauma.” When you add these things – guilt, shame, low self-esteem, past trauma – to the “perceived threats” pile…? You get a banger of a person that is incapable of regulating their automatic emotional reactions. In extreme cases, I’d call that Narcissism (Hello, Gravity, The Plague, The Dementor, and Lord Voldemort). And I’m not sorry, whatever a Narcissist went through to get to the point of becoming a full-fledged Narcissist? Tragic, yes, but well beyond redemption. They’re legitimately incapable of rational thought and self-reflection. C’est la Vie.

For the rest of the population, the ones that are – at the very least – curious and open-minded enough to reflect on their own words/actions? I have utmost empathy for them. For example: The Boyfriend.

Let me tell ya… the many months of neglect, rejection, and everything else that I endured? Really shook my faith that he was worth my suffering and effort. I hate that I sound so conceited in saying that. But the truth is, he did a complete 180 from the person he portrayed in the first month and a half and I was doubting my own sanity (and life, I must admit). His defensiveness was SO strong and I was utterly taken aback and confused for months.

But, being the naturally curious individual I am (and yes, whore for psychology), I persisted to the point of bravely asking if he’d go to couple’s counseling with me – and this is what started the ball rolling on salvaging what we could of whatever this relationship was. Many things have happened since then, good and bad, but things have definitely improved. He does still get defensive sometimes, but I try really hard to be patient and understanding, to see the underlying causes for it. I ask him why and give him the chance to reflect and answer. Sometimes, that doesn’t happen immediately and I have to wait.

All the same… I was eventually able, after time and therapy and lots of patience on both our parts, to understand some of the reasons why he gets that way.

And honestly? My curiosity extends to most everyone I interact with. I can – usually – pinpoint a Narcissist within a couple minutes and dismiss most my curiosity for their suffering (I still wanna know why). I also have to couch my triggers (yay cPTSD, TRMDD, and anxiety!) with ferocity if I want to be the best version of myself when I’m interacting with others (especially The Boyfriend). It doesn’t always work out that way (again, especially with The Boyfriend, lol), buuuuut… I’m getting better?!

As a final note, I’d like to invite you to pay close attention to your automatic responses to things that feel threatening or bring up the shame and guilt. The more you can practice self-awareness and foster introspection, the easier it gets to be patient, honest, and compassionate – not just with yourself, but with others, as well. Be curious! Have empathy! And finally…