The Boyfriend is doing individual therapy and I think that’s fantastic. He had a session yesterday while I was at my Trauma-Informed Yoga Therapy, sweating to death with the effort of doing movements that seem like a penance compared to what I used to be able to do many moons ago when I was in a regular yoga class (2016-ish?!). After that, I drove home to pick him up for lunch on the way to couple’s counseling.

On the way to lunch and during, I could tell therapy had impacted him in a drastic way. I attempted to get him to open up about how he was feeling (asking if he wanted to talk about it), to no avail. It was disheartening to see him that way, to feel his mood (more on that later) so viscerally. We finished eating and went to counseling.

I believe this session of couple’s counseling was more productive than all the previous ones combined, honestly. We dug pretty deep into the Addiction, the recent relapse and interactions regarding that, The Boyfriend’s individual therapy earlier, and how both of us were feeling. I wish my memory weren’t so shitty… it would be great if I could remember everything so I could process and write about it here (Side Note: I emailed our counselor to see if I could get some sort of transcript, knowing he has the AI tool that records sessions, so there may be an update later?!). One thing I do remember him revealing to our counselor regarding the reasoning behind him previously saying he was “not wanting the addiction OR the relationship”… and that is that “it’s (the relationship) too hard.” So… there’s that. Counselor asked if there are any books or manuscripts where it says life is easy… that pissed The Boyfriend off (I could tell). He DID say no, but asked where it says it HAS to be hard, some parts ought to be easy, no? I don’t disagree, but… can he not see the easy parts any more?! 😥

When we got home, we decided to take my PC partially apart and put in the new power supply box. My old one was 500W, so this upgrade to 750W – as relayed by The Boyfriend – was a 50% upgrade in power. The main reason for he upgrade was to eliminate the repetitive crashing that occurs while we play Valheim, secondary reason was to eliminate the noise… which is like a jet engine, according to The Boyfriend 😅. Secondary issue was resolved easily. First one?! Not so much. So… back to square one on whatever the hell that problem is.

We got to our daily check-in late due to gaming.

Can’t say I’m very happy about it – and not because Anhedonia is a thing. I was in a very good place mentally, being understanding, compassionate, and patient… letting him know that I was here to support him, wanting to know what he discussed in his individual therapy, but relaying that I would not pressure him into talking about it. Then, I talked at length about what I believe he’s been feeling. I prefaced it with not needing him to confirm or deny anything I said as fact or not. I started off saying that he is not “in love” with me and the very deep sigh he gave was… well, imho, it signified how I was right. It sounded like a mixture of relief and guilt. I could very well be wrong, of course.

At any rate, he did talk some about individual therapy and that the things he brought up regarding our relationship were heavy and draining, and that his therapist recommended NOT discussing these things with me until he had more therapy sessions to talk about it more. I was ok with that, it’s good advice. However, he did say that he is unsure where we stand (in response to my same statement), but that he does love me and feels it’s mostly on him for not believing he is capable of having a relationship right now. I asked what he wants to do about all that and he said he wants us to pretend there aren’t black clouds hanging over us. 😑

To say that I was – and still am – pretty distraught about the events of the day and evening is an understatement. I’m back to being placed in this horrendous limbo of “are we breaking up or…?!” It’s a bit unfair of him to ask me to pretend that nothing is wrong and that the impending relationship doom isn’t looming over my head as a very real possibility. In fact, it fucking sucks for me. For him, it gives him the space and time to feel that he doesn’t have to lose me (yet?), work on things together, and a host of other very relieving things he gets to obtain through my “patience.”

And the sad part is… I already knew he wouldn’t allow me to become homeless even if we broke up (which he said directly). That’s just who he is. But really, what does it matter? If our “romantic” relationship (if you can even call it that at this point) ends, it would be a perpetual unrequited love on my end, a torture I’d have to endure for who knows how long until I figure out what the fuck to do with my pathetic life. At the beginning of our check-in, I was telling myself that I could accept being “just friends,” but… at this point, I’m not even sure if I’d be able to do that.

This is a terrible nightmare of an emotional roller-coaster I didn’t sign up for and it’s making me more depressed, despondent, and exhausted. I had a brief reprieve there, too, even though it didn’t last very long. So much for that.