48.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

Self-doubt doesn’t go away when you succeed. In fact, the higher the stakes get, the more doubt will continue to show up.

Confidence isn’t about removing all doubt. Confidence is knowing you’ll be all right if things go wrong.

What stakes are making you doubt yourself right now? What would doing it anyway look like?

Pick one thing you’ve been putting off because you doubt yourself, and do it this week. Reply and tell me how you felt after.

I definitely agree that the higher the stakes, the more doubt will show up. I’ve been in this type of scenario plenty of times in my life, both succeeding and failing. And, if I’m honest with myself, I’m still here, chugging along and being alive, so… I guess I’m doing something right?!

Currently, the highest stake I have in my life is my relationship with The Boyfriend. I truly, deeply want things to get better, for him to overcome his addiction and begin to reach the potential I see in him, to strive for better and happier times – and hopefully (here’s where the high stakes come in to play) – he will want to do it with me. And yeah… there’s a big ole glob of massive doubt hovering just beyond my peripheral vision… looming and dark, whispering shite things about how unworthy I am to be truly loved and appreciated, cherished and celebrated.

And, honestly?! All I can really do is wait patiently, continue to give him grace, understanding, and support… to (ugh, that curse word again) HOPE that none of those things that cloud of doubt whispers are true…

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49.0 – Why You’re Not Seeing Progress

Two things for you to think about

Everybody wants a transformation. Nobody wants the hundred boring, thankless days it actually takes to get it.

Progress feels like nothing’s happening when you’re mid-journey. You only see how far you’ve come once you stop and look back.

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

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Two things for you to ask yourself

What would you be willing to do for a hundred boring days? What do you see when you look back at your progress?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

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One thing for you to try this week

Show up for your transformation. Take one small, boring, thankless step. Then reply and tell me what you did.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net

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As for how I’m doing… I mentioned above, there’s a massive cloud of doubt obscuring things just beyond my vision. Well… no, that’s not exactly a correct analogy. It’s more like that cloud is permeating every fiber of my being, continuously whispering shitty things at me. And, unfortunately, that spilled all over The Boyfriend this past Saturday as I confessed my deepest, darkest fears and feelings about just how worthless I am, how I don’t add any value to his life, and all I ever do is complain about the way his behavior makes me feel (i.e. hurts me, etc)… I was well and truly in the Void of Despair and loathing myself. I don’t think he was ready for that huge emotional turmoil, either… not sure he’s ever ready for it, but… it happened. The only thing he said was that he “unequivocally did not think I didn’t add value to his life”… And my mind went, “Wow… you can’t even say ‘you definitely add value to my life’ and say the reverse so it feels less like a commitment?!”

Ugh. I really do hate my brain sometimes.

All the same, it ended with him saying that I had given him a lot to think about and that was that. He had to go to work the next day and today, so… I can pretty much bet that none of that has even crossed his mind again. I don’t blame him, for the most part, because his job IS demanding (sometimes), but… I can’t think of a single time that he’s needed to think about things and taken the initiative to bring it back up later on down the road. I’ve been the one having to ask if he’d thought about whatever it was. Sometimes he says he didn’t, but thinks right there and gives some thoughts. And sometimes he says he didn’t and he needs more time… and then I just never bring it up again, because what’s the point?

Anyhoo… we leave for Canada to visit his older sister (and family) on August 6th. I am both looking forward to the trip itself and meeting her, and also not really wanting to endure the travel part of it, because The Boyfriend really sucks at remaining calm and collected when any sort of travel happens. In fact, he is downright atrocious, like a giant swarm of murder-copters (wasps/hornets) ready to sting me if I make him realize that I exist. On the other hand, I will finally get to meet an internet friend I’ve had for many years, so… if nothing else, I hope that will be enjoyable!