49.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

Everybody wants a transformation. Nobody wants the hundred boring, thankless days it actually takes to get it.

Progress feels like nothing’s happening when you’re mid-journey. You only see how far you’ve come once you stop and look back.

What would you be willing to do for a hundred boring days? What do you see when you look back at your progress?

Show up for your transformation. Take one small, boring, thankless step. Then reply and tell me what you did.

If I counted just Sundays since I moved to Colorado in mid-August of 2024, I have 102 “boring” and thankless (if not consecutive) days under my belt. So, the real question that begs answering: what have I done (not what I’ve been willingly doing) for those boring days? I have been “just existing” on Sundays, willingly and intentionally. That’s it.

When I look back at my progress, it feels sporadic and mostly unsatisfying. It would be great if I could see more progress having been made, but it is what it is. Granted, the progress I have made in EMDR is worth all of it, even if it feels like all the other trying I’ve done sucks. The conglomerate of medications, doctor’s appointments, therapies, changes in my habits, and everything else I have been doing… feels painfully and agonizingly slow.

So, on that note, I think I have this one in the bag?! I’m crushing the boring, thankless, day-to-day steps. Yay me.

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50.0 – You’re Always Choosing

One thing for you to think about

You are always responsible because you are always choosing. In every moment, you are choosing how to respond, how to react, how to see things.

Even when you fail to choose, that is itself a choice.

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

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Two things for you to ask yourself

Where in your life are you pretending you don’t have a choice? What if you took responsibility?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

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One thing for you to try this week

Name one decision you’ve been avoiding. Make it this week. Reply and tell me what you chose.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net

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As for how I’m doing… Last week’s “disruptive event” was a doozy, if I’m being honest. The Boyfriend did well in informing me of a text thing, but that “benign” text thing (and the content it contained) triggered all the things as far back as February 7th, 2025 – which was [addiction] Discovery Day – and the inappropriate message exchange between him and (what I consider) a mere acquaintance. In hindsight, if I hadn’t discovered the addiction in tandem, I don’t know that this inappropriate exchange would have had as big of an impact on me, buuuuut… that’s not how it played out, so… 🤷‍♀️ (that’s a shrug, if you can’t see it)

All the same, I got pretty triggered and attempted to share how it made me feel. He took my sharing of feelings as an attack on his integrity (it wasn’t, and I said as much repeatedly), which prompted him to give me a f*ck ton of context and vehemently defend himself. Most of this was via email, because our in-person talks about it were utter shite.

I was at a level 1 (very, very bad) on Wednesday, but that was bumped up to a 2 – and only because I begrudgingly accepted my mom’s invitation for brunch (it helped, even if I was mentally kicking and screaming beforehand). We did not discuss anything that evening, because neither of us were in a state to do so. I wrote another email the next morning and we discussed it that evening. I feel that it was pretty well resolved, but… things like this severely inhibit me for days afterwards.

Anhoo… our Canada trip is fast approaching and I am not looking forward to the travel aspect of it (The Boyfriend gets aggressively irritated and I get to endure the brunt of that). But I am looking forward to finally meeting his sister and her family. His dad and step-mom will also be visiting, so that’s good, too. And, I will finally get to meet a long-time online Minecraft friend!