50.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

You are always responsible because you are always choosing. In every moment, you are choosing how to respond, how to react, how to see things.

Even when you fail to choose, that is itself a choice.

Where in your life are you pretending you don’t have a choice? What if you took responsibility?

Name one decision you’ve been avoiding. Make it this week. Reply and tell me what you chose.

Honestly? I failed hard at this one. We can chalk it up to trauma-brain (yay for forgetting random things!). I completely forgot to reference last week’s topic and have it in my mind to look out for and ponder. And thus… no decision that I’ve been avoiding blipped my radar to jump on.

I will note, however, that I can’t think of any decisions I need to make, that won’t completely alter the entire course of my life. I definitely do NOT want or need any of that kind of disruption right now. Am I avoiding these decisions? Absolutely. Is it healthy? Eh. Probly not?! 😅 Does this motivate me to move towards a decision on these matters? Hell no. Am I enduring significant distress and nervous system dysregulation by choosing not to decide? Ugh…

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51.0 – The Questions You Stopped Asking

One thing for you to think about

The smartest people you know aren’t the ones with the best answers. They’re the ones still sitting with questions everyone else gave up on years ago.

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

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Two things for you to ask yourself

When did you last sit with a question instead of rushing to answer it? What are you afraid you’d find if you kept asking?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

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One thing for you to try this week

Pick one question you already answered, and sit with the possibility that you might be wrong. Reply and let me know what you find.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net

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As for how I’m doing… well, look at me actually writing this on the prescribed Monday that I committed to!

Listen… it’s the small things, ok? And since there’s nobody around to pat me on the back, I have to do it myself. As for the “you’re welcome”? A little out of character for me, but still funny. You can laugh, I promise you won’t die.

Anyhoo…. Canada! We leave in 3 days – at the taint of dawn (this is before the ass-crack of dawn, for reference). This on the coattails of [yet another] fun (relationship disconnection with The Boyfriend) incident that happened on Saturday, one that I am still trying to recover from (I know, I know, it’s only been 2 days, not enough suffering time has passed), cuz ya know… complete nervous system breakdown is totally my jam lately. Good times. So, that means I have to leave “regular” me at home and grab the “funny/cooperative/bubbly” me to take my place on the trip. Or, as it is called in other circles: masking.

Thing is, I had Ketamine treatment this morning (normally it would be Thursday, but that’s when we leave). Granted, it was a stress-fueled, racecar driving start, because the Medicaid ride I confirmed last week to pick me up for the “somehow” schedule it for tomorrow?! But, Mom to the rescue! We made it literally at the last minute of the “late” check-in cutoff time. Whew!

All that to say, I’m kinda hoping the early treatment will help assuage anything negative still lingering and maybe make travel a little more bearable? I’m not looking forward to having to pretend to be the happy girlfriend with his family, when the majority of entire relationship is not very happy, and through almost no fault of my own (a thing he admitted to Saturday at check-in, after the massive rupture). Pretending I’m more than just some random roommate/friend is the suck. His father adores me (no idea why, lol) and he has yet to “re”-meet me (we met once way back the first time BF and I dated). His sister seems really friggin awesome, too. And, who knows… maybe the “fake it till you become it” thing I adhere to will actually work. 🙄

I’m just so tired… I can’t say it enough and feel like a broken record, but… it is what it is.

Oh, guess I’ll have to backdate the next Monday Mark, too – but at least this time I’ll have a valid excuse!