54.5 – For Last Week’s MM:
You’ve survived every single thing you thought you couldn’t handle up until this point. Why would the next one be any different?
What’s the hardest thing you’ve already survived? What are you convinced you can’t handle right now?
That thing you’re convinced you can’t handle—do something about it this week. Let me know what happens.
There is definitely something to be said about having survived everything I have survived up to this point, but… I can also say that a LOT of those things were traumatic AF and I’d rather not have had to go through them. I would – of course – be a different person than I am today, but… is that such a bad thing?! I know that I have become a better person overall (i.e. more patient, kind, accepting, understanding, etc) for the hardships I’ve faced, but I’ve also gained a lot of mental, emotional, and physical damage because of those same things. I’m not sure if it was worth the trade-off, tbh.
To answer why the next one would be different… there’s only so much horrible bullshit trauma that a person can take before they are so effing tired of it, they give up. I was already dangerously close to that just before The Boyfriend wrecking-balled his way into my heart. I have been close to that a couple of times since moving here, as well… as recently as my birthday (which was utter shite). It’s very difficult to want to keep going when you’re barely hanging onto a thread to begin with.
Anyway… to date, the hardest thing I’ve survived… *big thinking* It’s hard to quantify some of the worst things I’ve survived. My son’s autism diagnosis, escaping The Plague and the decades of trauma he inflicted on me, moving states and letting my son stay with his [idiot, Narcissist] father, betrayal trauma (and everything else with that) with The Boyfriend…
As for what I’m convinced I can’t handle right now? The Boyfriend giving up on himself, our relationship, and me (again). I’ve been through that stupid pattern several times now, including once where he did break up with me (i.e. my birthday)… and this last one, where I told him I refused to let him give up. Every time, it leaves me even more damaged and fearful. It erodes more of me and any hope I may have gained in the time between. Now… do I recognize the toxicity in this pattern? Yes. Would I like it to be different – healthier?! Absolutely. Do I want to finally be chosen, fought for, and loved to the fullest extent possible? Yup. Hands down. Do I think this will happen with this Boyfriend? *shrug* I don’t know any more. And the idea that he could give up at any moment, because his mood dropped like an iron ball in the ocean… it terrifies me. It makes the last 2 years of my love, patience, commitment, understanding, support… all of the things I’ve maintained for him and this relationship… a complete and utter f*cking waste. Who would be able to handle that?! It’s a devastating thing to have to endure in a regular couple, let alone one with this godd*mn addiction layered over everything else.
And there is literally nothing I CAN do about it. Nothing. No matter what I’ve done – be it giving grace, fighting, or anything in between – it honestly amounts to absolutely nothing in the end. Because I can’t make him want to overcome this addiction. I can’t make him love himself or me. I can’t make him do anything. All I CAN do is be dragged along for the ride and hope (*hiss*) some day, when he’s worked extra hard on himself and his demons, and gotten over this addiction… he will choose me. That’s it. And if he gives up before any of that… *shrug* Oh well?! Because even if it’s just him giving up on himself (“it’s not you, it’s me” 😡)… I will still have to suffer the consequences of that.
The unfortunate thing about that outcome is that I legitimately have nowhere to go. None of my “family” is willing to take me on as a crippled, jobless dependent. I have NO friends here, not that I would want to burden them with the same. So, my options are: move to upstate New York with a woman I only know through the Recovery Program (at least it’s something?!), find a way to get assisted housing somehow (and leave my cats and all my shit behind), or stay here in this house with my “ex” and have to endure watching him destroy himself and take me down with him because I can’t un-love him.
So yeah… it’s pretty understandable that I’m convinced I can’t “survive “handle” it.
55.0 – You’ll Be Unstoppable
One thing for you to think about
No matter what you do, you will be criticized for it. So the only question that matters is, “What is worth being criticized for?”
Then do that.
Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.
Two things for you to ask yourself
What’s the thing you’re not doing for fear of criticism? Is it worth being criticized for?
Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.
One thing for you to try this week
Go do the thing that’s worth being criticized for. Let me know what happens.
Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.
As for how I’m doing… I wrote a lot up there and just don’t have much left. I got 4.5 hours of sleep (fuuuuuuck getting used to this CPAP shiiiiiiit) last night. I’m fecking tired. I’m lonely because The Boyfriend is temporarily working nights to train people in India and we get maybe 3 hours an evening together (never mind his days off when he stays in bed even longer). I just want to go to sleep and fade into non-existence. *le sigh*
Who IS EnchiPants?! 