53.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

You can only tell what someone values by what they’re willing to say no to.

No’s mean more than yes’s. Saying yes is easy—people say yes to things they don’t care about all the time.

Saying no requires you to be willing to lose something. That’s how you know it’s real.

Things only feel meaningful in your life if you’ve given something up for them.

What do you keep saying “yes” to that you don’t value?

What have you given up for the things that matter most to you?

Say no to one thing this week. Reply and let me know what you’re giving it up for.

Welp… I said “no” to The Boyfriend giving up (again). Despite his 2 near-relapses I caught, despite the complete flooding of cortisol into my nervous system for three solid days, despite being completely broken by “I haven’t totally given up, but I can’t reassure you that I won’t” and truly giving up in the deepest part of myself… I refused to allow him to control the narrative and make us both suffer because he’d sunk into his own Void of Despair. I refused. Legitimately. When he completely locked me out and stonewalled me, I talked for a while about how I had failed him, and whatever else… until it got to the point where I said, “Fuck this!” and got up, laid across him face-to-face, made him look at me, and said, “I. Love. You. I refuse to allow you to give up.” Aaaand instant tears as I saw his eyes get watery and laid my head on his shoulder, “Come back to me.”

I’m still waiting for this “letter” he’s supposedly writing to tell me all about how he feels about me. Initially, this is why the overload lasted for 3 days. I expect(ed?) the worst ever “it’s not you, it’s me” break-up bullshit that’s ever existed. But now I am left in a low-grade, simmering state of panic, not knowing what it will contain or whether our relationship is on the brink of destruction (yet again FFS), or if he’s truly committed to overcoming this addiction WITH me… and not as a f*cking friend?!

Obviously, I really want it to be all sorts of good things and commitment and growth and moving forward, but… if it isn’t? *shrug* I don’t think I can handle it. I literally will not mentally and emotionally survive it. Is that fair? Not for either of us. It isn’t fair to him to have this huge burden of me losing everything and him being the cause (of all of it). And it’s not fair to me, having put up with SO much bullshit, betrayal, mental/emotional abuse… while simultaneously giving him everything I had… for it all to just END. It’s not fair that he isn’t legitimately putting ALL of his effort into it – dare I say, the bare minimum? It’s not fair that he can’t see that he DESERVES to overcome this and have someone (me!) truly love and support him. He does not believe he deserves to be happy.

SMDH… it is what it is, I guess. Maybe this time it will be different… better… 🙄

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54.0 – You Are Stronger Than You Know

One thing for you to think about

You’ve survived every single thing you thought you couldn’t handle up until this point. Why would the next one be any different?

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

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Two things for you to ask yourself

What’s the hardest thing you’ve already survived? What are you convinced you can’t handle right now?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

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One thing for you to try this week

That thing you’re convinced you can’t handle—do something about it this week. Let me know what happens.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net

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As for how I’m doing… Aside from all that stuff up there, I am actually doing ok. I am back-dating again (ugh) as I write this. I just got out of EMDR (roooough), but I feel strangely calm and content. Anhedonia won’t allow me to go past that threshold, unfortunately, but “neutral” is better than despondent, yeah?

And things have been pretty good (damnit) between The Boyfriend and I the last 3 days, so… there’s that?! Take the good stuff when it comes? Stop worrying and getting worked up over a future incident that doesn’t exist [yet]?

C’est la Vie 🤷‍♀️