56.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

Love, money and fame don’t change you, they amplify who you already are.

The generous get more generous.
The insecure get more insecure.
The undisciplined fly off the rails.

Whatever your dream is, know it won’t fix your life for you. It will only multiply what’s already there.

Do you expect your dream to change you when it comes true? What if it doesn’t? What would that mean for you today?

Pick one thing about yourself you’re hoping success will fix. Start working on it today. Reply and tell me what it is.

I suppose the first thing to think about is what would constitute success for me? The couple things I can think of off the cuff:

1. Finally writing and publishing an autobiography (never in a conceited way, as I believe my life story isn’t even worth reading, but apparently people really like to read about trauma and tragedy and how it fundamentally changed someone – totally not guilty of reading that stuff, either 👀) – this success would “fix” the need in me to share my story with the world and receive validation for the decades of pain and suffering I’ve endured. I’m not sure how this would get multiplied… or how I would feel if it doesn’t come true (cuz it isn’t right now and meh)
2. Finishing and publishing my fantasy novel/series (started off really great a few years back, but petered out because life) – this success would “fix” my money problems… because who wouldn’t love it if they wrote a series and it became as popular as The Hunger Games, made into movies and such?! It would not change my dream if this came true, and like the last one… it wouldn’t change anything if it didn’t.
3. Getting to ride motorcycles again – i.e. my health improving to a point where I can do this – this success would “fix” my whole-ass loss of independence.
4. Being in a loving, committed, uplifting, connected (etc etc) romantic relationship with The Boyfriend – this success would “fix” my overwhelming need to feel as loved as I have to love, accepted and cherished wholly by someone outside myself. And yeah, the dream of it would change because I’ve never experienced this before… I would hope that it would be a massively positive thing. If it doesn’t come true… well, that’s much harder to handle, because I’m feckin tired of being strong and supportive and loving without receiving it in return. I’m not sure I would survive the end of that last shred of hope.

I suppose – overall – not getting the things I dream about wouldn’t really change my life much, because I’m at a point where I have accepted that this is my lot in life and there isn’t much to be done about it except take it a day at a time. As I’ve mentioned before, hope is a curse word for me. It is dangerous for me to grasp onto hope, because it has been crushed and beaten and taken away violently my entire life… every single time. *shrug* So, even if I got something I’ve dreamed of in love, money, or fame… I have a default of “…when the other shoe drops…” – pretty defeatist, eh?

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57.0 – Finding What Matters Most

One thing for you to think about

If you want to find direction in your life, think less about what you want and more about what you’re willing to give up.

The last thing you’re willing to give up, that’s the direction you should go.

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

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Two things for you to ask yourself

What’s the last thing in your life you’d be willing to give up? How can you focus more on that?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

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One thing for you to try this week

Give up something that isn’t adding value to your life. Go do it and let me know what happens.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net

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As for how I’m doing… honestly? This past week has been weird as f*ck. Building off last week being “pretty decent”… The Boyfriend and I have been really connected and done “the deed” three damn times! For some weird reason (probably medication changes), I felt bold and flirty… something I haven’t felt since the very beginning of our relationship – over 2 feckin years ago. Nay, the way I have felt has been utterly terrified of even trying to show any sort of attraction towards him. Not just because he took s*x off the table for over a damned year, but because the year before that was constant rejection, stonewalling, fighting, and severe neglect, the addiction coming to light (and all the f*ckery with that)… so this was completely out of character for me, but… he responded to it and things just happened, ya know?!

And I’m trying desperately to hold on to that… hoping things are truly getting better between us, and with him and this addiction.

It’s terrifying, but… all I can do is cherish the time and closeness – until the other shoe drops <insert eyeroll and sigh>…