57.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

If you want to find direction in your life, think less about what you want and more about what you’re willing to give up.

The last thing you’re willing to give up, that’s the direction you should go.

What’s the last thing in your life you’d be willing to give up? How can you focus more on that?

Give up something that isn’t adding value to your life. Go do it and let me know what happens.

I mean… at this point, the last thing I’m willing to give up is my relationship with The Boyfriend, and I’ve focused a lot on that already. I don’t think I can focus any more on it, honestly. Saying all that out loud (ish) makes me pause and wonder if I’m crazy and delusional. This isn’t the first time I’ve been devoted to a relationship… though, the major 2 with Gravity and The Dementor were toxic as hell. I sometimes wonder if I’m stuck in another toxic relationship, but… comparatively, The Boyfriend is 10x better than those other two were, combined.

Anyway… I haven’t thought of anything I could give up that isn’t adding value to my life, so that’s a wash, for now. *shrug*

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58.0 – Growth Is Not What You Think

Two things for you to think about

The older I get, the more I realize that growth is not about fixing all of your problems, rather it’s learning which problems aren’t worth fixing.

The quality of your life is directly proportional to your tolerance for uncertainty.

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

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Two things for you to ask yourself

What problems have you been trying to fix that don’t need to be?

What pain are you tolerating well?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

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One thing for you to try this week

Pick one problem you’ve been trying to fix and leave it alone for a week. Reply and tell me what happens.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net

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As for how I’m doing… gone are the lovely days that I enjoyed with The Boyfriend, which we believe was spurred on by my medication (bupropion). My psychiatrist wanted to add another one to “help” – but she wanted to add an antipsychotic, which… according to MY research, isn’t good for Anhedonia in the slightest. Makes me wonder if she’s even considering the Anhedonia, because it doesn’t feel like it. I’ve lost some faith and respect for her, since she told me I could quit clonidine and mirtazapine cold turkey – which resulted in pretty bad withdrawals and a trip to the ER. Wanting to add an antipsychotic was another strike. And then, not listening when I wanted desvenlafaxine instead of venlafaxine (because bupropion completely blocks the pathway/enzymes venlafaxine needs), resulting in me having to schedule another appointment to change it… has really got me thinking that I need to find a new psychiatrist – one that has experience and knowledge about Anhedonia… I’m not too hopeful about that, though. Most doctors don’t even know what it is. It’s not some “random sadness or loss of pleasure”… there are things at work/messed up inside the brain and nervous system that are causing my specific variation of Anhedonia (because yes, it is a spectrum). I can very much feel ALL the negative things and none of the positive. In the support group on FB, there are others who can’t feel ANY emotions whatsoever. Some were caused my medications, some by trauma (like me).

All the same… bupropion is the only medication thus far that’s done any bit of good – and it was barely doing much, but it WAS noticeable And now, a few days in with desvenlafaxine, I’m back to not feeling anything positive. Supposedly, this is normal as my body gets used to the new drug, but I hate it. I don’t WANT to wait 6-8 weeks for it to fully be working. I want to feel the little bit of happiness I had before this med.

All in all… I’m really tired of running this medication gambit. It’s been over 3 years since I started trying things and I’m sick of it. The Boyfriend tells me he doesn’t want to try meds at all if this is what it’s like, but… I’m a problem child in this regard. I mean, hell… Granny Sidhé got a med right on the first try (with a suggestion from me)! Granted, she had to change it recently because Alpha-Gal, but still. My case is not the one to be comparing to the norm.

So yeah. All the blegh and frustration.