34.5 – For Last Week’s MM:
Scarcity dictates what’s meaningful.
When you are alone, a relationship feels meaningful.
When you’re in a relationship, time to yourself feels meaningful.When you are overworked, time off feels meaningful.
When you have plenty of downtime, work feels meaningful.The scarcity never gets solved, it simply changes form.
What feels scarce to you now? What doesn’t? How does that dictate what feels meaningful to you right now?
Pick one thing you have right now that you once wanted badly. Treat it like it could disappear tomorrow. Reply and let me know how that changes things.
Unfortunately, the only things I can think of currently are things that I want badly because I’ve lost them. To name a few… Riding motorcycles (severely drives home my loss of freedom and independence), the ability to hold down any kind of job (due to both mental and physical health), to be there and care for my special needs son (who chose to stay in Arkansas with his father)…
However, the most prominent one right now is: a general loss of my sense of safety and reality. I had hearts in my eyes when I moved here to live with The Boyfriend. I recently created a timeline (of sorts) to show how much time I’ve felt safe/loved and how much is the opposite, due to his behaviors (yay, addiction!) and the Betrayal Trauma I’ve endured because of it. Total of 4 months safe/loved/wanted out of the 22 we’ve been together. Now, that seems a bit unfair when you truly see it on paper, but… I couldn’t give any sort of “approximate” times when I felt like things started to feel/get better and my trust would slowly creep back in, because I didn’t deeply feel safe in those times. And, relapses were happening right under my nose (which I always found later down the road).
So yeah… I guess the things I wanted badly in the past that I DO have right now are a secure place to live and food to eat. My weight gain is a testament to having at least part of that. I was as sedentary before moving here as I am now, but having enough food to eat is a big deal. And if all of this disappeared tomorrow?! I would not survive it. Simple facts.
35.0 – Stop Chasing Happiness
Two things for you to think about
Trying to be happy is like trying to fall asleep. Forcing it prevents it.
You don’t make it happen; you remove the impediments to it happening on its own.
If you stop chasing happiness for long enough, you will find it was there all along.
Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.
Two things for you to ask yourself
What do you tell yourself you need before you can be happy? What would happen if you stopped?
Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.
One thing for you to try this week
Pick one thing you’re convinced will make you happy. Stop chasing it for a week. Reply and tell me what you notice.
Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.
As for how I’m doing… Once again I am a day late (and a dollar short?! lol) with posting Monday Mark on the actual Monday. And, once again, I will back-date it so it looks like I didn’t shirk my commitment… 😅
Granny Sídhe is currently in Ireland with her eldest son, doing a whole ass tour (Germany, France, England/Wales, Ireland). I can’t remember where she’ll go after Ireland, but I got to speak with her yesterday (FB messenger calling is free on wi-fi mwahaha, screw international call rates!) and she seems to be in really great spirits. It warms my heart that she’s gotten this opportunity (bc of her son). I can hear it in her voice. Pure gold! I can’t say I’m not jealous, of course, because I’d love to do the same, but… I am truly grateful and glad that she’s gotten to do this. I look forward to the pictures she will post!
Outside of that, I had a really rough week-long dip in my mood immediately following my last Ketamine therapy session and The Boyfriend got distant. He did admit (finally) that he had been feeling resentful towards me because he felt he wasn’t able to just… have a social life? Be in contact with friends?! 🤔 Never mind that his addiction is the reason he’s been restricted access from all social media (except FB messenger), or that we spend time together with his friends (which are also mine now, I suppose), or that I have never once told him he can’t spend time with his friends (in fact, he’s gone to at least 2 events without me)… and I said about as much, plus that this wouldn’t be “forever.” I also noted that his lack of connection with people dated well before we ever got together (his best friend’s passing and him dropping almost completely off the face of the earth?!) Thankfully, he thought about that and apologized for blaming it on me, because not a single shred of that was my fault, nor does it have anything to do with me outside of being his Accountability Partner with this addiction.
The low mood lifted after one night’s check-in when I finally broke all the way down, cried, and confessed that I don’t even know what I’m fighting for any more (regarding the relationship). I had just told him that I wanted to do a whole clean slate/start over together/move forward with a new-ish and better relationship. But I also confessed that our current relationship has been pretty much all shite for me (see: 4 months safety out of 22 above). I don’t feel loved, cared for, appreciated, cherished, prioritized, or whatever other things someone gives another person when they are “in love.” And I had to explain what being “in love” with a romantic partner is like, because he told me “he cares about me,” but (and this was just my own thought) he cares that same way about all of his friends… and I shouldn’t be just his friend.
All the same, that confession and the 2 nights after that I read through my “journal notes” (dating back to July, before I moved here) in my phone have really driven home that I was absolutely blinded by his sweet words and promises, a fresh start at life with someone that said they loved me… and completely dropped the ball. I also realized that what I have been fighting for all this time is his potential (ugh, not again…) and holding out hope that this time, with this man, it will be different than the last 2 relationships I had. I’m not going to sit here and say that he’s horrible like those two (Gravity and The Dementor), because he isn’t, but… I’ve been through this very same pattern twice over and it feckin sucks whale anus. The pattern of: girl meets boy —> boy amazes girl with words, gestures, and “love” —> girl falls head-over-heels for boy —> time passes and boy drops his “nice” mask, revealing his true nature (hint: the previous was a façade, and this one is toxic) —> girl fights hard to keep boy (with many loving things and bids for connection), losing herself in the process —> lots of time happens, efforts and asks for improvement are fruitless —> girl eventually hits rock bottom and gives up —> relationship ends.
Now, the only real difference in all of these scenarios (the last 2 vs this one) is that The Boyfriend truly does have the potential for growth and has been trying. It’s been slow AF and torturous for me, but it’s there. I have to take a step or five back and look at the whole picture – what he was like before Discovery (of the addiction, etc) and the months following vs. after we started The Recovery Program up to now – but with that, I can see how much he has improved. I’m not going to say he’s perfect, I don’t even expect that out of him, but the difference is pretty wild. And yeah, when I’m mired deep in my shite feels, the progress doesn’t seem like much at all and I want so much more, but I do eventually get through that and can see the good qualities he possesses deep down, the progress, and the potential… and I can’t help but have hope (ugh, gross) bubble up again.
Welp… my apologies for ranting for so long, but… it feels good to get all of that out. I have EMDR in about half an hour (despite not feeling it today), so I imagine I’ll be thoroughly exhausted afterwards.
Who IS EnchiPants?! 