35.5 – For Last Week’s MM:
Trying to be happy is like trying to fall asleep. Forcing it prevents it.
You don’t make it happen; you remove the impediments to it happening on its own.
If you stop chasing happiness for long enough, you will find it was there all along.
What do you tell yourself you need before you can be happy? What would happen if you stopped?
Pick one thing you’re convinced will make you happy. Stop chasing it for a week. Reply and tell me what you notice.
Oof… this is a heavy one, huh? Well… I guess that’s a matter of perspective, of course 😜 It’s heavy for me. Having Anhedonia takes a massive toll on what “happiness” really is. Never mind the pursuit of it (cuz that drops off the proverbial tree like a dead limb).
Now, I can give some credence to “remove the impediments to it happening on it’s own” – hence being in talk therapy/EMDR, taking Trintellix, and receiving Ketamine treatments. All of that is a means to removing whatever blockage (or severe lack) is happening inside my brain from all the past trauma and assuaging my Treatment-Resistant Major Depressive Disorder/Anxiety. In tandem, hopefully, is getting better sleep (newly diagnosed sleep apnea – possibility of CPAP), losing weight (GLP-1 maybe?!), and reducing the widespread chronic pain.
All that being said… picking something I’m convinced will make me happy – and not chasing it – is moot. I’m legitimately working my ass off to get happiness (i.e. dopamine production) back as a baseline. Literally nothing that would elicit happiness touches me, so… I guess that means I win the task-of-the-week by default?! 🤣
36.0 – The Most Important Relationship
Two things for you to think about
Every decision you make shapes who you have to live with tomorrow. Make sure you’re creating a person you like being with.
You’re going to be in a relationship with yourself for your entire life. So you should probably learn how to make it a good one.
Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.
Two things for you to ask yourself
Do you like spending time with yourself?
What’s one decision you can make today that will improve that relationship?
Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.
One thing for you to try this week
Do one thing today that the person you want to be tomorrow would be proud of. Reply and tell me what it was.
Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.
As for how I’m doing… this past week has been a bit of a mundane blur. I’m still waiting for The Boyfriend to finish The Disclosure part of the Recovery Program and schedule our 2:2 call to get that done and behind us. Last week, we had couple’s counseling, and he was asked by the counselor what he thinks I want for the relationship moving forward. Now, to preface his answer, I already know that being asked a question on the spot and not given time to think about it gives him anxiety. But, all the same, all he said was, “Commitment.” After a short silence, I was asked to confirm the truth of that, which I did, but added “And transparency, vulnerability…” Because it’s so much more.
Then, at the behest of my women’s coach from the support group call Friday, during our check-in later that evening, I asked The Boyfriend, “What does commitment mean to you?” His answer was, “It’s like a contract.” I know he explained that a little more, but I can’t remember. Basically, he was describing what commitment means in all walks of life, not specifically in a relationship. And when he asked me the same, I started describing what commitment in a relationship was. Thus, he interrupted me and told me that I was describing exactly that… Now, I admit that I wasn’t specifically clear that this is what I was asking for – as my assumption was that he’d understand that without having to say so. This, naturally, caused a breakdown in communication until I finally said, “Ok, so you want a textbook definition of commitment?! Cuz I can just Google that and tell you.” I’m not sure how long the silence was at that point, but I finally said, “Alright. To me… Commitment means making something in your life a priority and sticking to it.” And that was the end of the conversation (that I can recall, bc again – my trauma-infused brain’s memory is shite).
I do want to note that part of our discussion involved talking about what our biggest fears were regarding Disclosure and the relationship. Mine was that he would completely give up and decide that I’m not worth the time and effort. And his was that the Disclosure would happen, whatever it is he has to reveal/confess to will hurt me irreparably, and that I will decide that the relationship is over. And he is unwilling to make a commitment until Disclosure happens. Soooo… he we are stuck in limbo again, I guess. Super.
Who IS EnchiPants?! 