59.5 – For Last Week’s MM:

A tiny piece of advice that changed my life: Stop assuming people know how you feel, tell them instead.

Tell them when you’re proud. Tell them when you missed them. Tell them when you’re angry or stressed.

When in doubt, just tell them.

If being honest about your feelings causes somebody to leave, then they were never really with you to begin with.

What are you not saying because you’re afraid they’ll leave? Wouldn’t you rather find out?

Say the thing. Reply and let me know what happens.

I can admit that I sometimes struggle with this. At least – with The Boyfriend – part of that is from 2 years of repeated rejection and neglect wearing me down to the point that I just couldn’t find the motivation to give compliments/appreciation or tell him I love him (very often… it still happened once in a while, cuz ya know… hard habit to break when I love someone as much as I love him). That has improved significantly over the last month to 6 weeks, with a hiccup here and there (he’s not great at receiving Words of Affirmation – my love language – so I am trying hard to give in his – Acts of Service).

As for everyone else…?! Meh. I tell Granny Sidhé once in a while how much I appreciate having her in my life. I spilled all sorts of beans to The Boyfriend’s sister whilst in Canada and we bonded really well over the course of an hour (in her van, in a parking lot, when I kidnapped her for a store trip lol).

I don’t really talk much to other people, but… I don’t feel like I struggle with being honest about how I feel – in general. I absolutely do NOT say how I truly feel with Blood Relatives. There is a lot of fear that I will be completely ostracized if I were to do that. But… “If being honest about your feelings causes somebody to leave, then they were never really with you to begin with. – is absolutely sound advice.

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60.0 – Who Do You Listen To?

Two things for you to think about

The hardest part about being surrounded by people who hold you back isn’t what they say to you… it’s the low expectations they have for you.

“Not everyone who helps you is your friend. Not everyone who hurts you is your enemy.” – Mike Tyson

Reflect: Then consider sharing this thought with others.

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Two things for you to ask yourself

What low expectations are potentially hurting you? Who are the people who expect the least from you?

Recommended: Use these as journaling prompts for the week.

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One thing for you to try this week

Have a conversation with someone who pushes you to be better, even when you don’t want to hear it. Let me know what they say.

Remember: Small changes lead to lasting breakthroughs.

https://markmanson.net

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As for how I’m doing… Ugh. I went to my PCP this past Friday for a “Pain Management” appointment… mostly to discuss what medications I could possibly take for pain now that I had added Desvenlafaxine to my psych regimen. I confessed that I had been on it for 2 weeks and within 2 days of starting it, my mood tanked to dangerously low levels. She told me that, if I am struggling that hard and it’s the lowest dose for 2 weeks… just quit and inform my psychiatrist. I don’t HAVE to suffer like that. And you know what? I did quit. I can’t say that things have improved much just yet, but… I am truly hoping (bleh) that it will get better and the Bupropion will go back to doing what it did before – start working on my Anhedonia. Cuz let me tell ya… being able to feel (even in the miniscule amount I was able) positive things after 4 f*cking years of doing without?! Was pretty damned great. On the flip side of that, having it blow up and dissipate the way it did… is a worse type of loss than just NOT feeling it. It wasn’t as bad as when I first realized I couldn’t feel positive emotions any more, but it was pretty damned close.

So yeah… this past week has been pretty emotionally difficult and heavy. My hormones also took a hit and the period that isn’t supposed to be there (I’ve gone months without bc of the IUD) decided to show up randomly. Granted, it’s nothing like it used to be, but uuugggghhhhh… I DON’T WANNA!

Side Quest: I casually mentioned last week that I have been working on a new program – “The Way Home” (seriously, go check it out – men, too!). This is the end of the third week/module and I am finishing the homework assignment today, barely in time for my 1:1 coaching call and the Women’s Group later. Digging into my childhood has been difficult. I welcome it, of course, but doing so isn’t a walk in the park. The realizations I am having… that my childhood sucked a lot more than I had been giving credit for (I DID have a general sense of how sucky my life/childhood has been…I mean, I was there)… just UGH (so much UGH today). THAT is the difficulty this week. A lot of the blame for how shite it was lies with The Plague (father), but… my Mom also had a lot more [negative] influence than I remembered. She has gotten a “pass” for quite a long time because I understood that she wasn’t able to do a lot, given she was being emotionally/mentally abused by that asshat, too. But I am also a mother… and I left my abusive, Narcissist of a husband for the sake of my child and myself. I have fought my son’s entire life to foster love, patience, and all the other positive things that I never had. I protected him from his father’s tyranny, like a shield. So yeah… my mom doesn’t get that free pass any more. Granted, she gets some of it, because she wasn’t anywhere NEAR like what The Plague was, but… there is still a lot that needs to be addressed and healed – both with myself and with her. The Plague?! Pfft. No f*cks there… he is dead to me, so he will never get redemption (not that he would ever entertain improving as a human being, obviously).

Wow… guess I had a lot to vent about today. 😛

OH! I forgot! The Boyfriend, mom, and myself… we got reservations to go to the Colorado Wolf and Wildlife Center later this month for a Full Moon Tour!!! I am SO FRIGGIN EXCITED! I seriously can’t wait to get to see (and maybe pet?!) some gorgeous wolves and listen to their howling… I get teary-eyed just thinking about it! I have missed Ch’Komi for decades, so… this opportunity is feckin phenomenal.