I am having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that – at 44 years old, with the handful of failed relationships I left behind because of the exact same answer to this exact same question – I’m actually Googling: “how do you know if someone truly loves you?”

I mean… how the f*ck have I found myself in this unfortunately familiar place again?! And, if I’m asking the question, doesn’t that pretty well answer it? It feels the same as, “Am I a Narcissist?” If you’re questioning it, then you already know the answer… and that answer is simply: Nope.

And sure, this isn’t initially a yes or no question, but… that pessimistic part of me believes that if I have to search for “how do I know if he loves me?” – I can guarantee with about 90% accuracy that he does not.

Now… with just over 2 years of a [pretty tumultuous] relationship under my belt with The Boyfriend, what could have possibly inspired me to initiate that type of search now? Why haven’t I done so before now, given the history?

There are a few reasons for the significant delay, but the primary reason is: I’ve been pretty focused on giving him grace, and being kind, patient, understanding, and supportive of him (and his “recovery” from his addiction). The massive amounts of Betrayal Trauma and the plethora of therapeutic ways I’ve acquired to work through that and past trauma, would be the next reason. Then, life in general just gets in the way. So… I will admit that I’ve questioned whether he loves me or not for the vast majority of the relationship, but I guess it just hadn’t crossed my mind to question it to the point of Googling for signs/ways someone shows love?!

The inspiration for right now, though? A seemingly insignificant interaction between myself and The Boyfriend early this morning. He left the bed/room briefly to use the bathroom and came back. That was it. Literally nothing happened except him getting back into bed and laying again (facing away from me)… seems pretty stupid, huh?

But here’s the problem… when he left, I was naked (sorry, not sorry, that’s just how I sleep) and uncovered because I had just come back from the bathroom myself, choosing not to cover up when I got back into bed and snuggled up against his back. When he came back, he did not say or do anything to indicate that he’d even noticed the state I was existing in.

This tiny moment of casual indifference was the spark (trigger, really) that ignited decades of (and more recently – 2 full years of) feeling like I’m horribly unattractive, unworthy, and unlovable. Before I could think rationally and keep my mouth shut:

I quietly asked, “Did you not even look at me?” He didn’t hear me, so I repeated the question.

And he answered, “I looked…”

My instant reaction, “That… somehow makes it worse…” Because looking at his naked girlfriend didn’t illicit anything?! (Hello, Trauma from The Dementor resurfacing) And, “Actually… never mind…” I simultaneously scooted away from him and reached to cover myself so I could wallow in my self-inflicted self-pity.

Not long after that, he got out of bed, looked at me (with no emotion), and turned away, leaving me to my own devices.

I know this scenario makes my reaction seem really blown out of proportion. I get that. I’m just as annoyed with my own traumatic reactions as some of you may be, trust me. I hate that I can’t just have the confidence that I’m attractive and not get worked up over something so “minor” and stupid.

But that’s the crux of it, yeah? It isn’t minor to me, nor is it stupid. It’s numerous layers of years of encountering incidents of having been told or shown that I am not desired or wanted, that – even naked – I’m not attractive enough to warrant a compliment or being touched. Consistent reinforcement that I am undesirable. And I don’t really consider myself to be bad-looking in general (never mind my shite self-esteem, especially after this addiction came to light).

So, with him gone downstairs and me feeling all of that, I asked Google, “how do you know if someone truly loves you?” And it gives me a brief description and a list of ways…

I mentally strike a line through every single one except “they accept your flaws” – because, technically, he does accept them… even if my flaws are an inconvenience/burden, at least he isn’t actively forcing me to fit into a different mold?! And, again, don’t get me wrong… I don’t think I’m perfect. I could work on a couple of these myself.

And yet, what it really boils down to is that none of the other things apply to The Boyfriend [loving me in these ways] and I can’t help but become increasingly discouraged.

At the bottom of the Google answer, it gave a few different sites to read articles or watch a video on the subject, so I clicked one at random:

https://medium.com/p-s-i-love-you/how-to-know-if-a-man-truly-loves-you-b25574071b29

If you want the author’s take on the following list, or hell, just a whole different perspective altogether – definitely click on and read the article for her in-depth perspective and story.

So, her list with my thoughts:

• Respect is more important than love
  • I agree with this wholeheartedly. Without respect, love cannot exist. In fact, if the respect is one-sided, that’s a surefire way to kill the love in the other partner, slowly and inexorably. In my relationship, I feel that there is some “general” respect on his part, but like… the same he would give to any regular friend. It definitely isn’t on romantic relationship levels.
• He will say it but it won’t be misused
  • Saying “I love you” and meaning it. Very early on in our relationship, I confessed to loving him. Keep in mind, we had dated for a couple months over a decade prior – and eventually reconnected, becoming and remaining casual friends for a decade (despite my relationship in that time, I had a crush on him) before coming together as a romantic couple. He expressed to me vehemently back then that he didn’t say those words unless he meant them, but… he has hardly ever said it to me, even in response to me saying it. So, not only has that been consistently very little over the entirety of the relationship, it has eroded my willingness to say it to him. And even if/when he does say it, it’s merely in passing as he goes to bed. That’s it.
• They let their actions speak for them
  • Again, the entire relationship has been his behaviors showing me that he does not love me (oh, and when I say “the entire relationship” – that means literally all of it except the first 2 months). The things that come with the addiction: lying, hiding things, defensiveness, stonewalling, neglect, rejection, and so many other un-loving behaviors (I just don’t have the bandwidth to relive it all so I can list everything). This has gradually gotten a little bit better since we joined the Recovery Program, but that was stunted by his (admitted) placating and wasting time not working on overcoming the addiction or growing as a person. Now, I have and continue to do my best to give him grace and separate him from his addiction, but… even stepping outside of that, there is about 5% of showing he loves me through his actions.
• He claims you. What’s “Let’s see where this is going?”
  • He is pretty good at this kind of noncommittal b.s., to put it bluntly. Kinda like what he said the other day, “I unequivocally don’t think you don’t add value to my life.” Like, why can’t you just say, “You definitely add value to my life”?! I have never once heard him say, “I am in this with you 100%” or anything similar. It’s always been “let’s see where it goes” – worded in his own way, of course.
• They always want to communicate with you (text and calls)
  • This would only apply to the days where he is at work (Mon-Tue and every other Wed). He is gone on those days for 13 hours. This has been a source of contention (yet again for the entire relationship), because 2 months after I moved here… that stopped almost completely. For 2+ months before and 2 after living here, we texted constantly – even on work days. And now, if I don’t hear from him before noon… I get triggered. If he responds to a group text before he ever even says “good morning” to me… I am triggered. And I feckin hate that I react that way, but… that’s what happens when you’re conditioned for months and months on end that you don’t matter enough to be thought of, even in passing.
• He will treat you like a Queen
  • I don’t even know what this would mean, honestly. I’ve never had a relationship where someone treated me this way. I would probably die of a heart attack if it happened, even with this relationship. Taking a note from the original author… chivalry does not exist in this relationship. Sure, he’s opened a door for me a few times (mostly bc I wait for him to do so), but I honestly can’t think of a single other thing that would qualify, because they just don’t happen.
• He gives without expectations
  • He did this one really well in the beginning (flying me out to visit, flying out to visit me, never caring how much anything cost or what I may have asked for – and I didn’t ask for much). But again, 2 months in, that stopped almost completely. Granted, he still doesn’t really care about the cost of things (I mean, I do get my nails did every 3 weeks, so…), but I don’t think it has anything to do with being giving.
• It’s never your problem, it’s our problem
  • This is a hard one for me to even talk about, because I have felt like any problems that arise are my fault. If I’m hurt and I say something, it’s my fault for being hurt and saying something. If I’m having relational issues with family or Gravity, he might listen (maybe not even actively), but he doesn’t seem to care about helping me with any of it or offer support – or hell, even an opinion in support – of any kind. I will say that, since we started the Recovery Program over from the beginning, he has been better about listening and not getting defensive, so… hooray for progress?!
• He makes you better
  • Ugh. Damnit. Another gut-punch truth. I’ll use an analogy for this one, because when this analogy came up, I thought it was really relatable and I was pretty impressed with myself (shh… just let me have this one thing…). Our relationship, he has been the rider and I have been the horse. He has run me ragged and when I finally keeled over, he got pissed off that I keeled over. That’s what it’s felt like for me. I haven’t felt like I’ve become a better version of myself, merely gained more trauma and need for therapy. The erosion of myself has been pretty brutal.
• To know it is true love, it will give you peace of mind
  • Like the last one, gut-punch truth. I had epic amounts of peace of mind when we started dating and I moved here. I was on top of the world. And, when it crashed 2 months in… pfft. My peace of mind went with it. I haven’t had that since.

So, yeah… even though I said that asking the question already gave me the answer, it was interesting to sit down and read the answer Google gave, read the article I featured and pilfered that list from, and type all of my thoughts and feels out. The only solace I can take from all of this is that I haven’t given up on him. I have seen who he really is underneath the layers of trauma and addiction, so I know he is a good man. I know he can overcome this addiction and grow into the person he deserves to be – happy, loved, and successful at whatever he puts his mind to. I know he’s been through so much heartache and pain, but I truly do want to be the one that stands by him until he does get to that point. I want so desperately to see the best version of him and – in turn – receive the love, patience, understanding, and support that I deserve from him.

It’s just… really feckin hard going through it, ya know? I have lost hope and motivation too many times to count. I’ve been run ragged, neglected, rejected, and then resented for being in so much agonizing pain – pain he caused… that sometimes I wonder if I’m being stupid, holding on so tightly. And sometimes, I just have to get all of this stuff out of my system (as I always say, “There’s more room on the outside!”) so I can reset my hope and soldier on, once again. Some day, I hope that I can look back on the hard work we both put in and say, “We did it!”

Until then… I guess you’ll just have to put up with my whining and complaining when shit gets hard. 😛 Not sorry!

Until then…